Ritual de lo Habitual

With no disrespect to Jane's Addiction - I've co-opted the title because, well, it fits.

Wow, I've always known I am a creature of habit - and have so often been diligent and cognizant about doing regular things...irregularly. I remember when I was about 25, there was this great, totally crazy older gentleman who I worked with in Seattle - he really was a kook - awesome to hang out with and listen to - but really a bit miswired. But he had some very cool truths to a lot of what he said - and one of them was about discovering if you were, indeed, a creature of habit. His theory was this (and I still don't know if it was his own, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt) - if, when you take a shower, (and believe me - the most uptight of the group questioned the appropriateness of his comments in the workplace - but it never bothered me any), and you go through the same motions every time - neck, chest, arms - or whatever order is particular for you, then you are prone to habit, and not necessarily good with change. Most of us just laughed, rolled our eyes, and headed out for happy hour.

But the next morning in the shower I thought about it when I grabbed my loofah, and summarily dismissed it. But then the next day came, and the next...and I did notice a pattern. I went through the same order - not just in the shower, but from the first stumble out of bed until the moment I managed to get myself almost out the door for work. A rhythm, a pattern - whether out of comfort or ease (because I am barely awake in the morning) - it was definitely there. But I never considered myself bad with change - in fact, usually, I thought I embraced it. Without ever telling our quirky friend, I decided I would prove him wrong. And every morning I was very deliberate about every action I took. I mixed it up, wherever I could - and yes, even changing the order in which I lathered up and rinsed. I was determined to be an embracer of change, no matter how uncomfortable it made me, or unprepared later in the day (invariably I'd forget something for a while, including access cards, wallet, one earring, etc.).

The reason I bring this all up - as I'm on another quest for change, and I'm becoming painfully aware of those habits that I've established. Some subtle, some bigger. For instance, this morning, after getting both my kids off to their respective schools, I drove, practically on autopilot right over to McDonald's...a bacon and egg bagel thought so vivid I could taste it. Before I made it to the ordering kiosk, I snapped out of it and drove around and back home. I sated myself with a Lean Pocket breakfast...thing.

Later in the day, after a relatively stressful phone call with a co-worker, I immediately reached into my snack drawer for a piece of chocolate. Like a junkie I took the fix. Just one piece - and that really was all I did. It wasn't until I looked at the wrapper in my hand that I realized what had just happened (don't think me totally nuts - I knew I was eating, I'm talking about the reaction, of course!)..

And tonight, after a tangle with my daughter - actually, a number of them, and getting her off to bed, in my exasperation - went straight to the fridge, pulled out some leftover pasta and a diet coke and consumed it. Luckily, there wasn't very much in there. Maybe four or five forkfuls of penne. The comfort of it was absolutely visceral - as I settled back into the couch and savored the carbonated chaser in the pretty silver can.

I did have a light lunch (a bowl of chicken noodle soup) and drank a ton of water all day, however dinner wasn't particularly successful either - again, a combination of bad habit and stress and I was squeezed for time (my evening meeting ran later than I expected, and I had another following, and if I waited that would result in me eating after 8PM - which I didn't want to do, so I took the short cut, and did get to that Mickey D's today anyway). But I did actually look at the nutritional labels McDonald's now puts on all their products. My meal came to roughly 800 calories. Crappy calories, but doing th rest of the math in my head (which remember, I hate doing!), didn't really put me over anything in the ideal caloric intake department for the day. However, that wasn't counting the comfort pasta that would come later, of course.

I did exercise in the morning though - so I'm not beating myself totally up, (nor will you ever really see that reaction from me). So, I'm chalking this up as a discovery day. I guess it's time to change up some routines...embrace the change! Love the change! Be the change! Forgive me if I sound like one of those braying new age tele-mc-pastors...but hey, girl's gotta do what a girl's gotz ta do!